How to Survive a German Wedding
It's easy to assume that most European culture is homogenous, especially when it comes to important life events like weddings. A lot of couples planning weddings will spend time looking at how others do things, picking and choosing the bits they like most from the myriad articles or wedding-based TV shows. Germany is no different, it seems like every wedding I attend here has at least one aspect I’ve seen before, whether its cocktails served in mason jars, flower arrangements or wedding photos. Despite the many similarities, each country has their own traditions and approaches. The happy couple in Germany may look like the stereotypical bride and groom, but there are many small differences that may come as a surprise to anyone attending a German wedding.
The first question someone should ask on receiving a save the date notification is: what type of wedding will we be attending? This is quite important, in Germany a couple is legally required to be married at a Standesamt (registry office) first. In Britain, couples can be either married by a officially licensed registrar or a christian priest. That’s it, one or the other. If you’re not christian or a member of the LGBT community you can only be officially married at a registry office. Germany, on the other hand, demands the happy couple be officially married by a Standesbeamter or Bürgermeister (essentially a registrar or the mayor) at the town hall regardless of your religious denomination or sexuality. After the official paperwork has been signed, the bride and groom are free to have a second wedding wherever or however they like.
For those planning two ceremonies, the whole process can cause planning chaos. Some town halls will only allow couples to get married on a certain day a week and between a very narrow window of time (08.00 – 10.00). Then again, if you want to get married during school holidays, for instance in August, don’t be surprised if all the employees who could marry you are on three-week vacations. Should you finally manage to get an appointment at the town hall, it may not actually correspond with the availability of the church you also wish to use. Alternatively, getting officially married and then waiting to save money for a larger ceremony can be a good way to spread the cost. This all leads to the common situation of a couple getting officially married and then waiting months or years to do the church wedding. This can inspire some strange interactions in which you ask an acquaintance if they are married and the reply “Yes...officially”.
It can also mean that the first official wedding is a more low-key event. I know plenty of people who have been married on a weekday simply because it was the only time available to do it, and in one particular instance, I know a couple who got married in the morning and went to work later that day as if nothing had happened. This might seem odd, but it does mean that weddings can be smaller, more intimate, and much more affordable.
With the official marriage being restricted to certain days and certain times, weddings in Germany can take the whole day. I have been to a number that have started at 9 in the morning and didn't finish until well after 1am. This marathon wedding style means that the British mentality of all-day drinking must be tempered, if only for self-preservation. It also can add some extra costs. The term “Wedding Breakfast” in the UK often refers to some canapés and a glass of buck’s fizz after a morning ceremony, in Germany you can easily find yourself eating a bowl of muesli, while awkwardly small talking with the bride’s great-aunt. There can be a lot of slow moments too, as things leisurely progress towards the evening. In some cases, the bride and groom will organise tours for guests or take groups to the cinema while the evening venue is prepared. For those relatives who feel inclined, they can help decorate or be given some other task. This does add to the communal spirit of the wedding, as only using family as free labour can do.
There is generally a much more relaxed atmosphere at German weddings than weddings I've attended in Britain. The official weddings are smaller and therefore less formal, but even at full church weddings I’ve been to, the relaxed atmosphere continues. It is traditional in the UK for the groom, the best man, the ushers and the father of the bride to wear matching suits, in Germany there is no such requirement. Furthermore, there are often people invited to the wedding who feel no need to dress up at all, arriving in jeans and t-shirt to congratulate the bride and groom. The relaxed nature of German weddings also extends to one of the common traditions of giving a speech. Speeches are a highlight of most British wedding, with the best man speech being the main event. Although there are speeches given at German weddings, they aren’t necessarily entertainment. I have seen my brother-in-law give two speeches at weddings, neither of which were pre-prepared nor obsessed over. At no point did he feel the need to google search “best man speech”, include a series of terrible jokes or come out in a flop sweat. He just did them, off the top of his head.
The speeches may be unimportant, but there are usually other weird and wonderful things to look forward to. The night before a German wedding, many couples host a Polterabend at their homes. Guests are invited for a drink, something to eat and the chance to smash plates which are in turn cleaned up by the wedding couple. It doesn’t always have to be plates either, it can be pots, pans and even old sinks and toilets. There are many reasons that are given for doing this, either for luck or to let off steam, but mostly I think it’s because it’s very funny to watch the people you care about doing manual labour while everyone else gets drunk.
There are other things to look out for during the actual wedding day. In Bavaria, there is a tradition of newlyweds sawing a log in half. The idea is that the log represents all the possible problems a relationship could face. The act of cutting the log in two shows that they are a team, ready for all life’s challenges. There might not be funny speeches, but most weddings will also have a section where friends and family of the bride and groom put on a performance for the other guests. Nothing says we care more than standing up in front of a group of people you barely know and singing a rewritten version of a popular song or performing a skit. Alternatively, your best wishes for the married pair can be in the form of a carefully prepared quiz or a well edited video. They can be cringe worthy, they can be spectacular, and more often than not they require audience participation. Just remember, if everyone looks stupid, no one looks stupid.
I’ve enjoyed most weddings I’ve attended in Germany, although it’s admittedly quite difficult to get used to the slow pace of many of them. Additionally, the conversations can be quite difficult with other guests as there is usually not so much alcohol consumed to grease the wheels of conversation between strangers. Nevertheless, there is usually a point where the champagne corks pop and everyone gets into the festive spirit, but like most things in Germany, it just takes a little more time.
