You're Invited...Or Are You?
I remember speaking to a German friend of mine who had just returned from London. They enjoyed their experience, travelling on open top buses, marvelling at the symbols of hereditary privilege, and enjoying all the museums packed with other countries artefacts that the British steadfastly refuse to give back. Despite all the fun, she was quite upset by an interaction she had with a British colleague during a workshop. She had known this colleague for a number of years, but this was the first time they had actually met face to face. After working closely together for a week, they were about to part company when he said “You really must come for dinner sometime, I’m sure my wife would love to meet you”. My friend was flattered that her British colleague was so welcoming and replied earnestly, “Thank you so much, I’m actually free this Saturday, I could come over for dinner then?”. Her British colleague looked taken aback and muttered something about how he would have to check with his wife and get back to her. Of course, he never did.
My friend was confused. Why offer an invitation if there was not intention of following through with it? She’s not alone in wondering this. All around the world the British, as well as many Americans, are pretend inviting business colleagues to have dinner in their homes and in turn ruining relationships. I’ve seen the “pretend invite” occur many times, and to my shame, I’ve offered my own a few times too. It usually comes at a point where people are saying goodbye and there is no longer anything of real meaning being said. In a fit of electrifying awkwardness, one party turns to another and inexplicably asks them to dinner, with absolutely no intention of following through. It’s a weird tic of politeness, like a civility after shock. It rumbles out of people involuntarily after sustained periods of niceness.
Although Americans and the British will both deploy the “pretend invite”, there are some subtle differences. In my experience, the American version is a simple pleasantry, grease to the wheel of communication. In contrast the British variant is part of a larger performance of what I’d term “the British goodbye”. For unknown reasons, the British can take as much as fifteen minutes to actually say goodbye in any given situation. Part of the process is to initiate another round of small talk, possibly about which road they intend to use to return home, their plans for the days or weeks ahead, or several compliments on how much they enjoyed the time spent together. Usually the “pretend invite” is the last thing they say as they leave. Where the Germans have “Auf Wiedersehen”, “Tschüss” or “Bis bald!”, the British have “You really must come over for dinner sometime”. Often the only way to gauge if the invite is genuine is if the person doing the inviting suggests an actual date. Other possibilities might be if they are reciprocating an invite or to thank someone for a doing something above and beyond.
Germans find the “pretend invite” particularly upsetting for a number of reasons. In general Germans hold the concept of honesty in a very high regard, it permeates a lot of their interactions. If you ask a German to give you an honest opinion, they will, regardless of whether it leaves you a gibbering wreck. Honesty is a default for a lot of people, even politicians. In addition to honesty, Germans rarely form superficial relationships. It can take years to build meaningful friendships in Germany and even longer to gain access to a wider group of German friends. Many an expat forum consists of questions about why it’s so hard to make friends in Germany. Once you’ve completed the exhaustive friendship vetting process however, you will have made a loyal friend for life. You could pick a fight with a 120kg brute and rely on the fact that your German friend will be behind you, furiously planning an exit strategy, while looking for something heavy to throw at your opponent. At the very least, they will phone an ambulance, and later feed you Apfelmousse through your heavily wired jaw.
The clear delineation of private and public life plays an important role in the building of friendships and the importance placed on invitations. An expat in Germany will know they’ve succeeded when they are invited into the homes and in a larger context, the personal lives of a German friend or colleague. The private sphere is sacred in a way that is profoundly different from what we are used to in the UK or the US. Private and public life are completely different worlds, it’s rare that bosses will contact employees outside specific work hours and especially not on Sundays. Not only is this a soft cultural rule, but in certain sectors it is a legal obligation. I have worked with companies that monitor the workloads of their colleagues, even going as far as to intervene if they find colleagues working or sending emails outside specific working hours. Your private time is your own, especially if you have children.
Of all the issues Germans have with the concept of the “pretend invite” the most important is the basic understanding of what an invitation means. The first time I went for dinner with my management, my boss turned to me and simply said “Remember Nic, you are invited”. I was quite confused about this, I had read the email and spoke to him on the phone, I knew he had invited me, there was really no need for him to overstate it. Throughout the dinner, he would periodically remind me that he was the one who had invited me, to the point that I thought I had done something to offend him. It was not until the end of the meal, when I reached for my wallet to split the bill that he looked me square in the eye and said “You are invited, that means I’m paying”. In seconds it all became clear; he wanted me to feel free to order anything I wanted, since it was on him. I kicked myself for not picking this up earlier and also for not ordering the steak.
The German invite is a tangible thing, it could simply be an offer to pay a restaurant bill, but more importantly it can be an extended hand of friendship. Hospitality is taken seriously, to the point that German birthdays will often see the inviter pay for everything or at the very least the drinks. There is a pride taken in offering friends a nice night out or employees a reward for their work. The “pretend invite” is not seen as a friendly gesture, but as an affront to all the basic tenets of friendship. Social awkwardness can cause many problems, but the next time you feel the urge to offer the hand of pretend invitation, don’t.
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